Dear Friends,
There’s a lot that’s missing from this blog. I rarely reference my art, my social network, my adventures, or my grapplings with identity politics. And that’s unfortunate, because these are significant and interesting parts of my life, and I’d like you to know about them. I’ve been keeping them off the radar because it’s been easier to let people make assumptions about my personal life than it has been to try to explain it to them. The downside of this is having to face some really wrong assumptions, all the while knowing that I haven’t done anything to prevent or correct them.
For reasons that continually boggle my mind, a lot of this seems to hinge around my sexual orientation. So let me take a stab at creating some common ground by offering up the label that makes the most sense to me: I’m queer.
This word seems to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, so here’s how it works in my life. First of all, I’m not straight (most people seem to figure this one out). Second, I’m not a lesbian (and I’m pretty damned sure about that, so please don’t challenge it). Third, I’m somewhat androgynous (which, incidentally, is not the same as being butch). I live in the middle ground. I have a high tolerance for ambiguity. I’m queer.
“Queer” is a word with positive connotations in my circles. Unless you’re saying it with a glare and a snarl, it is not an insult. You can use it to describe me.
Another word you can use is “bisexual.” I don’t mind this term (and it’s a lot more appropriate than “straight” or “gay”), but you should know that I rarely use it to describe myself. To me, the term “bisexual” suggests that there are only two genders in the world, and I disagree with that philosophy. We can get into that debate another time. For now, I’d just like you to understand that gender is rarely an important factor when I’m deciding who to date.
I find that many people tend to assume I’m a lesbian, so I don’t think of this post as “coming out of a closet” so much as “submitting a clarification.” If we can get onto the same page about my identity, I think we’ll find we have a lot more to talk about. I hope you’re game.
Love,
Sarah
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February 9th, 2008 at 5:09 am
Wait….you’re not straight?
Aww…I’m denser than most >_<
February 9th, 2008 at 5:12 am
From one queer to another – respect!
February 9th, 2008 at 5:13 am
Marc — you knew me before I shaved my head, so you’re forgiven. ;)
Koan — thank you. :)
February 9th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
sdopp FTW!
by the way, did you ever read danah’s take? http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2004/12/09/my_queer_identity.html
February 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Chris — no I hadn’t! That is a *phenomenal* essay, and right on target. Thank you for the link.
February 9th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Sarah–
This is such a wonderful post, for so many reasons. Hearts and hugs for you owning who you are so clearly–and explaining that love, attraction and gender politics don’t fit into neat boxes. Queer is a great word because it’s inclusive, as Andrew is pointing out to me, and because it can encompass so much.
February 9th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Wow..
looks like you have been busy..very impressed with the site..congrats..wish you the best, reach out to me soon.
February 10th, 2008 at 5:05 am
I heard a great term at the 3 recently..
“I’m not gay… I’m hetero-flexible”
Thought you’d like that.
February 10th, 2008 at 10:33 am
As I’ve tried on and tossed many labels, queer is the one I have come to embrace the most so far, and after reading this post, I think I’m definitely keeping it. It obviously puts me in good company!
February 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Whoa — isn’t coming out as being outside the social mainstream on a quasi-professional blog career suicide? Heresy?
LOL — NOT!!!!!
Bravo! Way to go!
– Amy Gahran
February 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I couldn’t read this post and not comment, although I’m not sure if you know that I read this and it could be considered creepy and stalkerish, but that’s besides my point here, it made me smile, just because I can’t help but think that you never clarified what you have come to find are assumptions for some reason in your mind, and that now you can put yourself out there for all the world to read without thinking twice (hopefully not too much anyway, you’re the one who told me that other people’s opinions about me doesn’t matter, right?). Good for you, Sarah :)
February 29th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Hey Hollee,
I’m glad you read this post. It makes me smile. Now you know a little more about where I’m coming from (if you didn’t already — which i suspect you did). :)
“What other people think of me is none of my business.”
.. doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect us, but it does mean we can usually get along just fine if we keep walking.
xo
August 10th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
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October 25th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Accidentally found your blog cause we have the same last name. love, love your style, though you and I are completely different. I was just in SFO last week…synchronicity
December 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
[…] of Genderfork.com, a community expression site about gender variance, and I’m out as “queer.” I also live in the gayest neighborhood in San Francisco and I host two events: Queer Open […]